Monday, May 21, 2012
Tuesday, May 15, 2012
Wow
OMG!! Being in a group full of BPD people is really, really stupid of me. What was I thinking???? So this is how it happens...
V runs the group, right?
There's another girl. I might have mentioned her before, but I usually use pseudo-names on my blog, so I'm just gonna call her "Dee." Okay...here's the setup. You have me, Dee, V, and another chick who's not involved in this dramatic event. In my old blog I mentioned that V is not a licensed therapist, but she operates in that capacity as a Christian counselor. She doesn't ask for money -- well, much. So the past, oh, 10 or so groups have been all about Dee. She storms out and V runs after her and then spends 30 minutes outside comforting whatever triggered Dee and then another 20 minutes hugging her and telling her how much she loves her.
It's sickening.
Last night Dee started whining about how she cuts herself. For a good visual, this woman is no young adult. She is 55 years old, has 4 children and 3 grandchildren. She has a respectable job that required her to obtain at least a four-year degree.
She cut herself and text'd V a picture of it one day. Yesterday she was discussing how she couldn't stop cutting and I told her that I believed it was a choice.
O
M
G
She lit into me about how I "abuse" myself by over medicating. This woman was cussing and SCREAMING at me and V just sits there. Then Dee gets up and storms out and true to form, V runs after her.
Nice.
I left.
A few minutes later I started getting a barrage of texts about how sorry she is and that I hurt her by saying she could control it.
My text back...
"You know what? I'm not coming back to group. So go cut yourself the fuck up because I really don't care."
Well, it could have been worse.
Put two BPD's together and get lots of bad behaviors, I suppose, but I don't feel like I did anything wrong and V just ran after her like she was my victim. I haven't even heard from V since, so I'm finished with it. Really finished.
V runs the group, right?
There's another girl. I might have mentioned her before, but I usually use pseudo-names on my blog, so I'm just gonna call her "Dee." Okay...here's the setup. You have me, Dee, V, and another chick who's not involved in this dramatic event. In my old blog I mentioned that V is not a licensed therapist, but she operates in that capacity as a Christian counselor. She doesn't ask for money -- well, much. So the past, oh, 10 or so groups have been all about Dee. She storms out and V runs after her and then spends 30 minutes outside comforting whatever triggered Dee and then another 20 minutes hugging her and telling her how much she loves her.
It's sickening.
Last night Dee started whining about how she cuts herself. For a good visual, this woman is no young adult. She is 55 years old, has 4 children and 3 grandchildren. She has a respectable job that required her to obtain at least a four-year degree.
She cut herself and text'd V a picture of it one day. Yesterday she was discussing how she couldn't stop cutting and I told her that I believed it was a choice.
O
M
G
She lit into me about how I "abuse" myself by over medicating. This woman was cussing and SCREAMING at me and V just sits there. Then Dee gets up and storms out and true to form, V runs after her.
Nice.
I left.
A few minutes later I started getting a barrage of texts about how sorry she is and that I hurt her by saying she could control it.
My text back...
"You know what? I'm not coming back to group. So go cut yourself the fuck up because I really don't care."
Well, it could have been worse.
Put two BPD's together and get lots of bad behaviors, I suppose, but I don't feel like I did anything wrong and V just ran after her like she was my victim. I haven't even heard from V since, so I'm finished with it. Really finished.
Saturday, May 12, 2012
this sadness...
...its all consuming. I know I am dating someone, but I really don't like him all that much. I mean, he's nice, but I'm not ready for anything serious. Then I find out J is dating someone. She's a "doctor." Without BPD, I'm sure. I didn't think it would hit me this hard, but the devastation I feel is beyond any words I can write. I just want this life to be over. Really over. I'm sick of this pain...never feeling better for more than a day, never completing what I start because my mind won't let me have hope. I wish I could just wake up normal.
Wednesday, May 2, 2012
Unbelievable Moods
My moods wax and wane. I go from being sweet and talkative to depressed and angry at the world all in a matter of hours sometimes. I can be so ugly to people when I am angry. So incredibly mean and spiteful. Spewing hateful threats and insults at whoever my intended target is because I am hurt.
I was in group the other night and just felt myself shutting down the entire time. I was doodling instead of participating in the group and I just wanted to burst out crying and tell everyone I give up on life. Instead, I decided to write down every person that was once in my life, but left me due to my BPD. The list was long and people just kept flowing off of my pen without force. I didn't share with anyone in the group what I was doing and I quickly hid it once I realized what I was doing. My list grew and grew as I wrote down people who were once very close friends and now avoid me and don't speak to me at all. It hurts to see their name because I realize that I once trusted them and it was never my intention to test them or in any way hurt them -- and yet, I did. I know that the dissolving of every relationship in the 40-50 people I wrote down were all my fault. Or as "A" would say, the fault of BPD.
I have looked up disorders on the internet, hoping and praying that I figure out that I have something else. Something a pill will cure. But any hope I had of repairing any relationship that ended because of my illness is completely gone. Nobody gives me second chances - not even family. I watch shows like Intervention where people love someone so much that they go to great lengths to repair and to rebuild a relationship with the addicted person even after they have been the target of abuse after being verbally assault, sometimes physically assaulted, stolen from, lived off of and in every way used by the person so they can continue on with their addiction. But for me, someone who does not have an addiction but an illness, there is not a single person in my life that would stand by me and go through the storm with me and still love me in the end.
Am I just having a feel sorry for myself party here? Maybe, yes. I just have nowhere else to talk about this and I have to untangle it all somehow. I want so much to be better. To not have moods that sway so quickly and so harshly. I want to not think about the people that are no longer in my life every waking second. I want to not try to numb my pain by take too many prescription sleeping pills just so I can sleep the day away and not have to deal with life. I want to be able to finish something I start. I want to be able to live and yet as hard as I try and as much hope as I've had in the past that perhaps there is an end to this, the more I realize it is just a pipe dream and I will never be able to fill this void.
BPD has taken such a toll on me both physically and mentally. I abuse my body and my mind on a daily basis. I think there is a light at the end of the tunnel and just as I feel that it's within my reach, it is ripped away from me somehow. I cannot go to therapy. I cannot trust. I won't trust. I worry that I will hurt myself every single day. I wake up and tell myself that today will be a better day -- but it never is. My mind, my aching heart...it never changes no matter how hard I try.
I am sick and I probably belong in an impatient facility long-term or some sort of assisted living, but that isn't even available to me.
I am so tired and all I can do with my thoughts is write them on this blog because there are no second changes in this world.
I was in group the other night and just felt myself shutting down the entire time. I was doodling instead of participating in the group and I just wanted to burst out crying and tell everyone I give up on life. Instead, I decided to write down every person that was once in my life, but left me due to my BPD. The list was long and people just kept flowing off of my pen without force. I didn't share with anyone in the group what I was doing and I quickly hid it once I realized what I was doing. My list grew and grew as I wrote down people who were once very close friends and now avoid me and don't speak to me at all. It hurts to see their name because I realize that I once trusted them and it was never my intention to test them or in any way hurt them -- and yet, I did. I know that the dissolving of every relationship in the 40-50 people I wrote down were all my fault. Or as "A" would say, the fault of BPD.
I have looked up disorders on the internet, hoping and praying that I figure out that I have something else. Something a pill will cure. But any hope I had of repairing any relationship that ended because of my illness is completely gone. Nobody gives me second chances - not even family. I watch shows like Intervention where people love someone so much that they go to great lengths to repair and to rebuild a relationship with the addicted person even after they have been the target of abuse after being verbally assault, sometimes physically assaulted, stolen from, lived off of and in every way used by the person so they can continue on with their addiction. But for me, someone who does not have an addiction but an illness, there is not a single person in my life that would stand by me and go through the storm with me and still love me in the end.
Am I just having a feel sorry for myself party here? Maybe, yes. I just have nowhere else to talk about this and I have to untangle it all somehow. I want so much to be better. To not have moods that sway so quickly and so harshly. I want to not think about the people that are no longer in my life every waking second. I want to not try to numb my pain by take too many prescription sleeping pills just so I can sleep the day away and not have to deal with life. I want to be able to finish something I start. I want to be able to live and yet as hard as I try and as much hope as I've had in the past that perhaps there is an end to this, the more I realize it is just a pipe dream and I will never be able to fill this void.
BPD has taken such a toll on me both physically and mentally. I abuse my body and my mind on a daily basis. I think there is a light at the end of the tunnel and just as I feel that it's within my reach, it is ripped away from me somehow. I cannot go to therapy. I cannot trust. I won't trust. I worry that I will hurt myself every single day. I wake up and tell myself that today will be a better day -- but it never is. My mind, my aching heart...it never changes no matter how hard I try.
I am sick and I probably belong in an impatient facility long-term or some sort of assisted living, but that isn't even available to me.
I am so tired and all I can do with my thoughts is write them on this blog because there are no second changes in this world.
Tuesday, May 1, 2012
MIA
Hi Everyone,
I am sorry I have abandoned my blog. Man, I miss writing so much. I don't even know what happened to the writer in me. I think she disappeared in May with the car accident.
I bombed school this semester. It was too much for me and going into my last week now with finals ahead of me, I am barely hanging on to a 66 in both classes. While I might be able to technically pass with a low D, the new college I want to transfer to while not take credits less than a C+. So either way, I'm screwed...right to the end of my associates too.
Nice.
J and I are barely speaking. Now that I am living on my own, I don't have to have his approval anymore. He pays me on the days he owes me and we're done with it. I am still dating someone although I have yet to share any details of my mental health with him. I suppose he thinks I am right at the verge of normal right now, but the truth is, I'm far from it. I'm in therapy, but I rarely go. I find that I have a much more difficult time when I go to therapy than when I don't. *sigh* It's where I am, I suppose. I will never again let the secrets of my mind out to a therapist. I can't. It's too painful. More painful than my childhood, I believe. So I just go in with a nice smile on my face and in 60 minutes I talk about my friends, my volunteer organization (which I have abandoned as well, but whatever), and what's on my agenda for the next week. And that's about how deep it goes. She tells me goodbye and I tell her goodbye and she reminds me to pay her as I walk out...
Cha-Ching $$$$$!
I hope everyone who reads my blog is doing okay. I know I have said I would update more often, so I am going to make a bigger effort to do that now.
I am sorry I have abandoned my blog. Man, I miss writing so much. I don't even know what happened to the writer in me. I think she disappeared in May with the car accident.
I bombed school this semester. It was too much for me and going into my last week now with finals ahead of me, I am barely hanging on to a 66 in both classes. While I might be able to technically pass with a low D, the new college I want to transfer to while not take credits less than a C+. So either way, I'm screwed...right to the end of my associates too.
Nice.
J and I are barely speaking. Now that I am living on my own, I don't have to have his approval anymore. He pays me on the days he owes me and we're done with it. I am still dating someone although I have yet to share any details of my mental health with him. I suppose he thinks I am right at the verge of normal right now, but the truth is, I'm far from it. I'm in therapy, but I rarely go. I find that I have a much more difficult time when I go to therapy than when I don't. *sigh* It's where I am, I suppose. I will never again let the secrets of my mind out to a therapist. I can't. It's too painful. More painful than my childhood, I believe. So I just go in with a nice smile on my face and in 60 minutes I talk about my friends, my volunteer organization (which I have abandoned as well, but whatever), and what's on my agenda for the next week. And that's about how deep it goes. She tells me goodbye and I tell her goodbye and she reminds me to pay her as I walk out...
Cha-Ching $$$$$!
I hope everyone who reads my blog is doing okay. I know I have said I would update more often, so I am going to make a bigger effort to do that now.
Wednesday, April 11, 2012
Friday, March 30, 2012
Living in the past
One of the girls in my support group is a cutter. I watched her borderline behavior slowly morph out of control and for once, I saw myself as others see me.
Friends, it wasn't pretty. Not at all.
The leader of the support group is also "Dee's" individual therapist. A few weeks ago, the therapist told us that she would be out of town and unreacheable for the following week because her daughter was having major surgery and she needed to help take care of her.
I understood.
Dee did not.
When I came back for the next group a week later I walked into the room and Dee was sitting with the group therapist. There was an immediate sense that something was wrong. They had this look on their faces and I did a quit inventory inside to see if *I* had done something wrong. I couldn't think of anything. Finally, after 5 minutes of uncomfortable silence, I asked if I did something.
No, I hadn't.
But Dee had. She was angry that the therapist -- her therapist -- would be away and decided to cut her arms up the day of her daughter's surgery. Then she took a picture of it and text'd it to the therapist. It followed, apparently, a bunch of emails and texts that begged the therapist to come over and take her to the hospital. When the therapist told her she couldn't, Dee cut deeper and ended up with staples in her arm and a 3-day psych ward stay.
Beautiful. And fucking dammit, THERE I AM.
I saw the stress and frustration in the therapist's face as they discussed her behavior in the group (with Dee's permisson). It was crazy.
And I have done it.
And I am crazy.
I saw it. I know it. I have been there. I AM there. She is me. I am her. I do that same fucking, miserable, stupid, thing.
I freak. I panic. I run for the hills. I overdose. I cry. I demand. I stomp my feet like I am 2 years old and my mommy is leaving me and never coming back.
And I hate it.
I hate living in the past.
Friends, it wasn't pretty. Not at all.
The leader of the support group is also "Dee's" individual therapist. A few weeks ago, the therapist told us that she would be out of town and unreacheable for the following week because her daughter was having major surgery and she needed to help take care of her.
I understood.
Dee did not.
When I came back for the next group a week later I walked into the room and Dee was sitting with the group therapist. There was an immediate sense that something was wrong. They had this look on their faces and I did a quit inventory inside to see if *I* had done something wrong. I couldn't think of anything. Finally, after 5 minutes of uncomfortable silence, I asked if I did something.
No, I hadn't.
But Dee had. She was angry that the therapist -- her therapist -- would be away and decided to cut her arms up the day of her daughter's surgery. Then she took a picture of it and text'd it to the therapist. It followed, apparently, a bunch of emails and texts that begged the therapist to come over and take her to the hospital. When the therapist told her she couldn't, Dee cut deeper and ended up with staples in her arm and a 3-day psych ward stay.
Beautiful. And fucking dammit, THERE I AM.
I saw the stress and frustration in the therapist's face as they discussed her behavior in the group (with Dee's permisson). It was crazy.
And I have done it.
And I am crazy.
I saw it. I know it. I have been there. I AM there. She is me. I am her. I do that same fucking, miserable, stupid, thing.
I freak. I panic. I run for the hills. I overdose. I cry. I demand. I stomp my feet like I am 2 years old and my mommy is leaving me and never coming back.
And I hate it.
I hate living in the past.
Tuesday, February 28, 2012
Stream of Consciousness
I have neglected my blog and, in turn, you all as well. I'm sorry. I have been busy moving, doing school, and attending my plethora of support groups. Thank you so much to those who comment, checking up on me and email.
I am still seeing one of the therapist's I interviewed a month or so ago. My BPD symptoms, believe it or not, have waned quite a bit in recent weeks. Flare-ups and bad days here and there but thankfully nothing so bad that I've lost control and hurt myself. Usually it is more like a few hours of hard times. In fact, in many ways, I feel better than I have in years. J and are "getting along" and yet in other ways we are much closer. It's a strange balance. I'm excited for what the future holds for me. The new therapist is someone I know I won't be overly attached to. It's so much different than with A because I don't have to act like I'm okay or hide my feelings because I feel she's too fragile to handle them. I don't have anything to lose and if she dumps me, well, she does and I'll find someone else. She has strict boundaries about suicidality and self injury. If you do it, she won't see you. At least it wouldn't be a surprise hidden with a bunch of lies about how there was "nothing I could do to be abandoned", right? That was A's favorite line.
I may have mentioned before that I met a guy, but it didn't work. He said I broke his heart because I cancelled on Valentine's Day. He was nice enough, but I'm not ready to date. There's nothing really cryptic here. He liked me; I didn't like him. Sorry. Sometimes it just isn't there, you know?
My new house is adorable and I have girly'd it up as much as I could. I LOVE it. I wish you all could see it. It's the cutest little three-bedroom house with a huge den, beautiful hardwood floors and stainless steel appliances. All it's missing is the white picket fence. I have been working on it too - painting. The little gold light fixtures kind of clashed with the black shutters, so I spray painted them black. Well, in doing so, I had to actually take them off the front of the house. Now I can't figure out how to put them back... HA! They are really cute, but they're sitting in the kitchen on a shelf and the front of the house has wires hanging down where the lights were. Oh, well. Hopefully someone will have pity on me and volunteer to put them back up.
I've been sick a lot. First a bad chest cold, then throwing up and now my sore throat is back. I pretty much felt like shit in group last night, but I didn't want to miss it so I just stayed away from everyone. V has arranged to come stay with me the third weekend of March.
School is okay. I will have my AS in July and I have been accepted into the BS psychology program at Walden University Online. It is cheaper than University of Phoenix and they have the degree I actually want. It's moving along, albeit slow. They're taking all but two credits which were the classes I made a C- and a D+ in when I had my suicide attempt.
I guess this is a record for boring updates. Hope you're all well. One day when I feel better and get settled, I'll get back to regular blogging.
I am still seeing one of the therapist's I interviewed a month or so ago. My BPD symptoms, believe it or not, have waned quite a bit in recent weeks. Flare-ups and bad days here and there but thankfully nothing so bad that I've lost control and hurt myself. Usually it is more like a few hours of hard times. In fact, in many ways, I feel better than I have in years. J and are "getting along" and yet in other ways we are much closer. It's a strange balance. I'm excited for what the future holds for me. The new therapist is someone I know I won't be overly attached to. It's so much different than with A because I don't have to act like I'm okay or hide my feelings because I feel she's too fragile to handle them. I don't have anything to lose and if she dumps me, well, she does and I'll find someone else. She has strict boundaries about suicidality and self injury. If you do it, she won't see you. At least it wouldn't be a surprise hidden with a bunch of lies about how there was "nothing I could do to be abandoned", right? That was A's favorite line.
I may have mentioned before that I met a guy, but it didn't work. He said I broke his heart because I cancelled on Valentine's Day. He was nice enough, but I'm not ready to date. There's nothing really cryptic here. He liked me; I didn't like him. Sorry. Sometimes it just isn't there, you know?
My new house is adorable and I have girly'd it up as much as I could. I LOVE it. I wish you all could see it. It's the cutest little three-bedroom house with a huge den, beautiful hardwood floors and stainless steel appliances. All it's missing is the white picket fence. I have been working on it too - painting. The little gold light fixtures kind of clashed with the black shutters, so I spray painted them black. Well, in doing so, I had to actually take them off the front of the house. Now I can't figure out how to put them back... HA! They are really cute, but they're sitting in the kitchen on a shelf and the front of the house has wires hanging down where the lights were. Oh, well. Hopefully someone will have pity on me and volunteer to put them back up.
I've been sick a lot. First a bad chest cold, then throwing up and now my sore throat is back. I pretty much felt like shit in group last night, but I didn't want to miss it so I just stayed away from everyone. V has arranged to come stay with me the third weekend of March.
School is okay. I will have my AS in July and I have been accepted into the BS psychology program at Walden University Online. It is cheaper than University of Phoenix and they have the degree I actually want. It's moving along, albeit slow. They're taking all but two credits which were the classes I made a C- and a D+ in when I had my suicide attempt.
I guess this is a record for boring updates. Hope you're all well. One day when I feel better and get settled, I'll get back to regular blogging.
Monday, January 23, 2012
Long Time -- boring update
Hi Everyone,
So it has been a long time since I have posted and a few things have happened. I have been interviewing therapists. I think I found someone that I can connect with...just have to check her out a few more times, but she felt good about seeing me. She knows a lot about my diagnoses (plural, of course). I've only been to her once, but she did offer me some good advice.
I went out on a date Saturday night. It was okay. I'm not used to someone treating me so special, so it was a little overwhelming and I'm not sure I'm really ready to be on the dating scene. At the prodding of a couple of friends, I joined a local dating website and ended up meeting T in person at a public place. Once we talked for awhile, we decided to go out and went to a movie and dinner. It was nice. He showed up with flowers, which J never did for me. He held my hand during the movie, but he asked first which I thought was really sweet. I kissed him on the cheek goodnight and we hugged and he left. The bad part is that I still live in J's house. It's not mine anymore, remember? I signed the quit claim during the divorce...I'm sure I just butchered the spelling of that, but I think that's what it's called. T is 4 years older than me as opposed to J being 2 years younger. It's different. He was married, but his wife died of cancer at 28. :( She was beautiful.
Anyway, I liked the guy enough, but I just don't feel like I want more than friendship. The idea of having to emotionally commit to someone is overwhelming to me right now. And I need to move out...I'm hoping to at the first of March.
Emotionally I am stable. I have had my bad days, but I am going to a support group on Monday nights and I'm hoping it turns out to really help me in the long run. I guess I'll go back to my divorce support group on Thursday...haven't decided for sure and I need to email the therapist to get the exact dates it meets.
School is dreadful. I am in Nutrition and in Biopsychology. I don't think they could have paired me up with two classes that I hate anymore than these two, lol. Really!! I turned in all of my assignments late last week and didn't even get my participation in with one class. It was too much for my mind to write about neurons and synpases. That shit is hard.
Then I had to do a 12-slide powerpoint on carbohydrates. OMG!!! There is only so much to say about simple and complex sugars and for someone with an eating disorder history? Holy Shit! I think I did 8 and I turned it in late, so at least I'll get something for effort, right?
So that's my life at the moment. I still haven't found a job even though I have applied pretty much everywhere that interests me. I'm thinking about going to church.... I dunno. What do you think?
I would love opinions on me dating. Too soon? Bad for me? Good for me?
My ears are open.
Oh...and guess what exmother-in-law pulled? She emailed her sister (who is a close friend of mine but they don't speak) to tell her that if she ever talks to me again that she is dead to her. LOL M told her that she guesses she won't ever speak to her again. Is it wrong that it felt good to me for someone to actually take my side? M has put up with a lot from evil ex-MIL. I don't think it was a huge loss for her.
So it has been a long time since I have posted and a few things have happened. I have been interviewing therapists. I think I found someone that I can connect with...just have to check her out a few more times, but she felt good about seeing me. She knows a lot about my diagnoses (plural, of course). I've only been to her once, but she did offer me some good advice.
I went out on a date Saturday night. It was okay. I'm not used to someone treating me so special, so it was a little overwhelming and I'm not sure I'm really ready to be on the dating scene. At the prodding of a couple of friends, I joined a local dating website and ended up meeting T in person at a public place. Once we talked for awhile, we decided to go out and went to a movie and dinner. It was nice. He showed up with flowers, which J never did for me. He held my hand during the movie, but he asked first which I thought was really sweet. I kissed him on the cheek goodnight and we hugged and he left. The bad part is that I still live in J's house. It's not mine anymore, remember? I signed the quit claim during the divorce...I'm sure I just butchered the spelling of that, but I think that's what it's called. T is 4 years older than me as opposed to J being 2 years younger. It's different. He was married, but his wife died of cancer at 28. :( She was beautiful.
Anyway, I liked the guy enough, but I just don't feel like I want more than friendship. The idea of having to emotionally commit to someone is overwhelming to me right now. And I need to move out...I'm hoping to at the first of March.
Emotionally I am stable. I have had my bad days, but I am going to a support group on Monday nights and I'm hoping it turns out to really help me in the long run. I guess I'll go back to my divorce support group on Thursday...haven't decided for sure and I need to email the therapist to get the exact dates it meets.
School is dreadful. I am in Nutrition and in Biopsychology. I don't think they could have paired me up with two classes that I hate anymore than these two, lol. Really!! I turned in all of my assignments late last week and didn't even get my participation in with one class. It was too much for my mind to write about neurons and synpases. That shit is hard.
Then I had to do a 12-slide powerpoint on carbohydrates. OMG!!! There is only so much to say about simple and complex sugars and for someone with an eating disorder history? Holy Shit! I think I did 8 and I turned it in late, so at least I'll get something for effort, right?
So that's my life at the moment. I still haven't found a job even though I have applied pretty much everywhere that interests me. I'm thinking about going to church.... I dunno. What do you think?
I would love opinions on me dating. Too soon? Bad for me? Good for me?
My ears are open.
Oh...and guess what exmother-in-law pulled? She emailed her sister (who is a close friend of mine but they don't speak) to tell her that if she ever talks to me again that she is dead to her. LOL M told her that she guesses she won't ever speak to her again. Is it wrong that it felt good to me for someone to actually take my side? M has put up with a lot from evil ex-MIL. I don't think it was a huge loss for her.
Tuesday, December 27, 2011
I Quit Therapy
I quit therapy.
Well, no, not exactly. Let me back up.
I had an appointment with Amy this morning. As most of you who have kept up with my endless drama probably already know, I have not connected with her at all but she has been the only licensed counselor in my area that I can afford and so I have just been kind of stuck with her.
But today was the last straw.
Why?
BECAUSE SHE FUCKING CANCELLED ON ME! GODDAMMIT!
Seriously!
The last time a therapist cancelled on me, I totalled my car, overdosed and ended up being "terminated" with the therapist I loved so dearly. Oh, and got sent to the psych ward for something around 11 days and my husband filed for divorce.
Awesome display of mindfulness and self control, right?
So since I don't really give a shit if Amy cancels, I took that opportunity to send her an email to tell her that I didn't want to do therapy with her anymore. I said I was sorry, but I can't keep coming to someone who can't help me. Besides, I was more mad that I got out of bed and got halfway there before she decided to let me know that she had "fallen ill" the day before.
She emailed me back and said she wants to talk about ending therapy in person. I half expected that....So damnitall I am going on Friday to discuss why I want to break up with her.
Why is it that I can't keep the therapist I loved and can't get rid of the one I can't stand? And here goes my endless circle. I sent her this loooong whiney email about how she is so perfect and it's not her fault and I just suck at life and believe me, she doesn't want to be dragged down to hell with me. Let me go alone. Please.
I am in total borderline meltdown today. And I hate this. HATE IT.
Well, no, not exactly. Let me back up.
I had an appointment with Amy this morning. As most of you who have kept up with my endless drama probably already know, I have not connected with her at all but she has been the only licensed counselor in my area that I can afford and so I have just been kind of stuck with her.
But today was the last straw.
Why?
BECAUSE SHE FUCKING CANCELLED ON ME! GODDAMMIT!
Seriously!
The last time a therapist cancelled on me, I totalled my car, overdosed and ended up being "terminated" with the therapist I loved so dearly. Oh, and got sent to the psych ward for something around 11 days and my husband filed for divorce.
Awesome display of mindfulness and self control, right?
So since I don't really give a shit if Amy cancels, I took that opportunity to send her an email to tell her that I didn't want to do therapy with her anymore. I said I was sorry, but I can't keep coming to someone who can't help me. Besides, I was more mad that I got out of bed and got halfway there before she decided to let me know that she had "fallen ill" the day before.
She emailed me back and said she wants to talk about ending therapy in person. I half expected that....So damnitall I am going on Friday to discuss why I want to break up with her.
Why is it that I can't keep the therapist I loved and can't get rid of the one I can't stand? And here goes my endless circle. I sent her this loooong whiney email about how she is so perfect and it's not her fault and I just suck at life and believe me, she doesn't want to be dragged down to hell with me. Let me go alone. Please.
I am in total borderline meltdown today. And I hate this. HATE IT.
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